Your "Groupies" Are All Paid to Kill You. Trust Me.

This was a myspace blogpost & bulletin by Humpasaur Jones and I just have to let more people see this:

From: Humpasaur Jones
Date: Dec 27, 2007 1:22 PM

AKA Advice For Musicians Part 2: The "Groupies"

One remarkable fact about musicians that seldom gets discussed: when you get successful, you are exponentially more likely to meet with an early and weird demise. I don't know how often you mention this in casual conversation, but it seems to me the overall message of the past century of human history was "if you try to make this world a better place, we will kill you." Most of these deaths are connected to intelligence agencies and organized crime. These days, it's pretty much all the same thing.

There are two kinds of people in this world, but both of them like to have sex. This is why the world of espionage, intelligence, and assassination has relied for centuries on seduction as a surefire method for getting their target's guard down. This is called a "Honeypot," and it's the reason I tend to assume my alleged "groupies" and "fans" are actually Mossad agents.

Women Are Dangerous Enough

It could be argued that women themselves represent a far larger and infinitely more dangerous conspiracy against mankind, but you've been thinking that all along, right? I mean, any sane person knows that, we just don't talk about it much because we like to have sex.

In Fact, Forget I Brought It Up

To truly understand the nature of the threat, take a look at the case of Sarah Emma Edmonds, who was probably one of the most dedicated and unsung magicians of the past few centuries. You might be familiar with the saga of Frank Thompson, a Union army spy who turned out to be a woman who had dressed up as a man in order to enlist. That was Sarah, who was on the run from a forced marriage up in New Brunswick, and she had a ton of full-on personalities, like Bridget O'Shea, the Irish beggar. Once she was doing reconiassance, she got even more into it -- she'd dye her skin with silver nitrate to pass as a black man for days at a time. Most of her greatest exploits probably died with her.

Hilariously, Frank Thompson was listed as a deserter for years because when Edmonds was wounded in the line of duty and behind enemy lines, she had to go check herself into a private, civilian hospital miles away rather than be discovered as a woman in a Union military hospital. Sarah Edmonds, this beer is for you.

Israel Is Dangerous Enough

Of course, Israel does not officially have nuclear weapons and it would be irresponsibly honest to state the fact that they do. The clearest confirmation of that was the whistleblower and/or traitor Mordecai Vanunu. He was negotiating his story with UK newspaper The Sunday Times and going stir-crazy in his hotel when he met this hot blonde tourist, who was totally critical of Israel and thought Vanunu was hot for reals. She invited him to come to Rome with her, he had a moment of clarity and realized he'd been wasting his life by playing it safe and stifling his inner creative and spontaneous soul, and he later woke up naked and blindfolded, with his wrists and ankles cuffed. It's a familiar story to millions of American tourists who visit Italy every year.

The blonde honeypot's name was Cindy. Her real name was Cheryl Ben Tov, or Cheryl Hanin, or a mix of the two, and she's living in Florida these days. Digging around her story is a noble pursuit if you're curious and have time on your hands, full of gems like this, from Canada Free Press:

Meir Amit, a former director-general of Mossad, has explained to me what Tzipi's training would have included.

"She would have been asked questions about her attitude to using her sex. Would she sleep with a stranger if her mission demanded it? She would have learned how to use sex to coerce, seduce and dominate. She would be told that using her sex for the good of Israel is permissible. But all Mossad women agents are high-minded women who know the risks involved. That takes a special kind of courage. It is not so much a question of sleeping with someone. It is to lead a man to believe she will do so in return for what he has to tell her. That does not begin to describe the great skills which are called upon to achieve this".

Or this knucklepuppy, from the St. Petersburg Times:

Hanin's gender was an asset. As Meir Amit, a former Mossad director, put it: "A woman has skills a man simply does not have. The history of modern intelligence is filled with accounts of women who have used their sex for the good of their country."

Avoid Crouching Tiger Jokes

China has zinged the United States repeatedly. Back in the Brainsturbator days, we had a very odd look at what appears to be a Chinese manual to destroy America, known as Unrestricted Warfare. I'd recommend starting with Katrina Leung, but I won't keep boring you with all this historical, feminist bullshit: let's get down to what really matters.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR YOU

As a regular dude living the hip hop lifestyle, in your own fresh unique way, you're probably wondering how the Mossad or the CIA relate to you. In any effective intelligence operation, you spend a lot of time "securing resources", which is a term for strategic blackmail, which is a euphemism for getting you drugged up and taking photos of a prostitute with a strap-on bruising up your prostate in a hotel bedroom. I won't insult your intelligence by being crass or giving you excessive details.

Scientology does this by getting a detailed record of your sex life -- and everyone has a weird sex life, homeslice -- which is why Tom Cruise can never tell the world about how L. Ron Hubbard never even died. Once you're a Secured Resource, you're useful and obedient. Entertainers are exceptionally useful.



ODDS ARE PRETTY GOOD THAT ANY HIGHLY ATTRACTIVE WOMAN WHO APPROACHES YOU AND WANTS TO TALK TO YOU IS BEING PAID TO SUBDUE OR EVEN KILL YOU.

When you speak to her, make eye contact and feign interest. The important thing at that point is visualization: whenever she's talking, you need to be assessing your environment for cameras and potential hostiles. If possible, create a reason to lead her to a more ideal location -- remember, you want to be somewhere too public for her to try and incapacitate you, but too private for other agents to follow without being obtrusive. Look for alcoves, crowded hallways, or take a taxi with a group of people. You always want confined and enclosed, with multiple available exits.

DO NOT PANIC AND AVOID AGRESSION.

These women are trained to respond with extreme force to any rapid movements without thinking. Unless you are prepared to immediately kill the agent and know that you are capable of doing so, never make a hostile move. Bear in mind that she might actually be trying to recruit you -- offering you entrance into a secret society that sounds suspiciously compatible with your own beliefs, for example. There are always calm, intelligent ways out high-tension situations -- and you must learn to find those ways or you will die.